Censorship Horror Hits Workplace

The item below was submitted to our work's internal intranet to announce the retirement of a colleague. It was certainly intended to blow away the rather dull and plodding, same old jokes that generally adorn the retirements page. Quite understandably these pieces are checked for acceptability but quite alarmingly this was considered unacceptable, not only due to its mention of religious matters but also for fear it might upset animal lovers.
Of course, it's PC gone mad but the positive side to it is now having the chance to parade myself as a victim of censorship, a renegade artist and innocent dissident mistreated by tyranny. I'm Alexander Solzhentisyn, my work suppressed in my homeland. But here is the work, smuggled out to freedom from under the noses of the totalitarian state.
To be fair, I'm told that the ladies who banned it enjoyed it very much but they have their job to do and couldn't publish it.

Peter S....... is retiring on November 30th 2009.

Pete’s long career in Customs and VAT goes back to his early days working with a man he knew as Geoff who wrote poetry in his lunchtimes. Pete remembers the day when he was passing Geoff’s office in pursuit of a refreshing glass of ale and the fledgling poet invited him in. He explained that he was trying to think of an opening line to his new set of tales to be told by various characters on a pilgrimage to York. So Pete said, ‘Why don’t you begin with ‘Whan that Aprille with his shoures sote.’ Then he popped his head back round the door and said, ‘And not York, mate. That’ll never work. Why not make it St. Albans?’
You see, although Pete is officially well over retirement age, he has had so many parts replaced by now- eyes, knees, etc.- that the average age of most of him is estimated at about 55.
It was through a series of such lucky breaks that Pete rose through the civil service to a position in the court of Henry VIII where he had a pivotal role in the disestablishment of the English church. A little known fact behind Ann Boleyn’s failure to provide Henry with an heir is that she did not love the king and refused to share the marital bed and so for some time Henry had to be duped into thinking that a stand-in was really Ann and the best-looking courtier inevitably stood in to perform that noble role. Thus, the Church of England came about due to Pete S...... and it is the reason why we say ‘For Pete’s Sake’ rather than take the Lord’s name in vain.
Pete’s great reputation as a horse race tipster began on the day of the first Grand National. He had no interest in the turf then and regarded it a mug’s game and when asked who he thought would win this inaugural race said, ‘O, I don’t know, it’s just a Lottery.’ And since then, although he hasn’t tipped a winner since, he has been regarded as a sage and guru by horseracing folk.
Until last week, that was, when he was helping the vet in a stable in Ireland where the best racehorse for many years and priceless bloodstock prospect, Sea the Stars, was due to be shipped off to stud and a very moderate horse called Seize the Star was due to be operated upon in a very permanent way before embarking on a career over hurdles. Pete turned up with his secateurs and winning smile and cheerfully announced he was ‘here to do Seize the Star’ and the stable lad, who was very busy, thought he said ‘Sea the Stars’ and just said ‘third box on the left, mate’ without really looking. Following this quite expensive but perfectly understandable little mistake we are hoping that Seize the Star will exceed all expectations in his rather unforeseen stud career and Sea the Stars is red hot favourite for next year’s Champion Hurdle.